Pleasant! We might have danced across a floor of eggshells for all the effort I made to avoid any subject of conversation which might have offended or irritated you!
Oh yes. Because speaking my mind in your presence has been so readily rewarded in the past. Why not attempt the same in front of a whole room of people where any derision I might receive from one of our company's leaders for it would instantly be made a matter of public account?
You said yourself you thought the dance pleasant. Do you really think that if I'd acted any differently then—if I hadn't been so mindful of every other time you have made me out to be so very small—that you would have felt the same? There was no choice in the thing at all!
How would you even know? [Spikes shrill.] You clearly know nothing about me, much less anything at all about what I feel! And every time I have tried to tell you my feelings, you have either denied their existence or made them a point of ridicule! You are doing so this very moment, in the same conversation where you have advised that should some terrible thing occur in the future it would be better I were dead than hoping for rescue.
[For what feels like the first time since they began speaking, silence grips the line. Somewhere, Wysteria is grinding her teeth.]
Briefly. [Is like pulling a tooth. Exposing some raw nerve. Putting a bare arm out to be switched.] Sometimes I thought so. In whatever period existed between reaching the end of one argument and before we had begun the next one.
—But [she hurries to say, mean and brisk like snapping a visor down on a helmet to made for shielding vulnerable parts.] Whenever I began to think it and allowed myself to be easier to account for it, you would purposefully make an ass of yourself or get your back up over some remark I thought perfectly inconsequential and it would begin all over again. And I have no more patience for either standing so I may be berated like a child, or for being purposefully cajoled into acting cruelly.
He's actually startled into silence. Not a long one, mind - this jabbering loudmouth will never stay quiet for too long - but perhaps that makes it all the more notable for occurring. ]
You certainly did not let on that you found me anything other than utterly intolerable.
I mean why should I agree? All that has been accomplished by this is the reassurance of your self image. I've heard remarkably little that suggests any effort I might make will be honored or returned in any fashion.
[Her sigh is sudden and heavy. Here, im the midst of a long day after a grueling night, faced with a selection of loose ends leading, by all appearances, to nowhere at all, she is just so very—
stops herself. Somewhere, Wysteria closes her eyes and sets her jaw and for a long moment stands with her hands high on her hips.]
No.
No, if that is the case then you have all you need to choose some alternative all on your own. I am quite finished with being the only person responsible more making decisions between us. You may do as you please, Mister Rutyer. You are not half so—not clever as you pretend to be, so if it matters at all to you then you will come up with something.
Miss Poppell, you give me far too much credit. [ And for once, that sounds genuine - wry, yes, but not ironic. ] I am an idiot in most ways, and clever in just a very small number of specific avenues. I truly have no idea what you desire. [ A shrug - ] I cannot appreciate your intellect, if that's what you want, because it far outstrips mine. I know you do not want an advocate or defender, given your reaction to my prior clumsy attempt to fill that role. I know you don't want to go out drinking and gambling with me. And beyond those things, I don't know what service I can render to you.
I don't care. [Is snapped back, drawn short and tight.] I have said my part of the thing and will make no attempt to direct you further. I don't trust that what I say won't be mistsken for some other thing, and have no desire at all to be responsible for your behavior.
And now if you don't mind, I have quite a bit of work before me. Will that be all for today, Mister Rutyer?
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You said yourself you thought the dance pleasant. Do you really think that if I'd acted any differently then—if I hadn't been so mindful of every other time you have made me out to be so very small—that you would have felt the same? There was no choice in the thing at all!
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All right. Then let me ask questions. Tell me how you feel. First, have you ever enjoyed my presence?
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[ Even though he knows the answer. ]
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Briefly. [Is like pulling a tooth. Exposing some raw nerve. Putting a bare arm out to be switched.] Sometimes I thought so. In whatever period existed between reaching the end of one argument and before we had begun the next one.
—But [she hurries to say, mean and brisk like snapping a visor down on a helmet to made for shielding vulnerable parts.] Whenever I began to think it and allowed myself to be easier to account for it, you would purposefully make an ass of yourself or get your back up over some remark I thought perfectly inconsequential and it would begin all over again. And I have no more patience for either standing so I may be berated like a child, or for being purposefully cajoled into acting cruelly.
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He's actually startled into silence. Not a long one, mind - this jabbering loudmouth will never stay quiet for too long - but perhaps that makes it all the more notable for occurring. ]
You certainly did not let on that you found me anything other than utterly intolerable.
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Every attempt to be pleasant came with little snips and snipes. Forgive me if I mistook your apparent hostility for real hostility.
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[Clipped. Hacking herself free.]
Will that be all, Mister Rutyer?
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Fine. So we should start over, then.
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[Can you hear the crossed arms energy? Because her arms are crossed.]
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[Her sigh is sudden and heavy. Here, im the midst of a long day after a grueling night, faced with a selection of loose ends leading, by all appearances, to nowhere at all, she is just so very—
Tired.
And sounds it.]
How am I even meant to know at this stage?
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You seem to know well enough the sort of things that have offended you. Think on the inverse of those things.
[ Well. ]
Taking into account, preferably, that there are aspects of me that will never change.
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stops herself. Somewhere, Wysteria closes her eyes and sets her jaw and for a long moment stands with her hands high on her hips.]
No.
No, if that is the case then you have all you need to choose some alternative all on your own. I am quite finished with being the only person responsible more making decisions between us. You may do as you please, Mister Rutyer. You are not half so—not clever as you pretend to be, so if it matters at all to you then you will come up with something.
And if nothing occurs to you, then so be it.
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Miss Poppell, you give me far too much credit. [ And for once, that sounds genuine - wry, yes, but not ironic. ] I am an idiot in most ways, and clever in just a very small number of specific avenues. I truly have no idea what you desire. [ A shrug - ] I cannot appreciate your intellect, if that's what you want, because it far outstrips mine. I know you do not want an advocate or defender, given your reaction to my prior clumsy attempt to fill that role. I know you don't want to go out drinking and gambling with me. And beyond those things, I don't know what service I can render to you.
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And now if you don't mind, I have quite a bit of work before me. Will that be all for today, Mister Rutyer?
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